Insomnia....

Earlier today I was a a baby shower.  I was talking about how my insomnia has been pretty bad this pregnancy.  I've had at least two complete nights without sleep and the dr has giving me a prescription for a sleep aid, but either I can't bring myself to fill it or the thought if walking through the parking lot, through Costco, to fill the prescription seems like too much for me.  It's probably a combination of the both.  And as I'm talking to these mothers I'm thinking that my erratic sleeping of habits of not sleeping til 3am or waking from 3-6am isn't that bad, but of course what happens again tonight? 

I start to get tired at 8:30pm.  Ariana feels like she's growing again, I'm feeling sick to my stimach and my stomach is getting heavy.  Getting up from lying down is tiring and painful and I just want to lay down, but the frequency of my thirst and ice craving keeps me getting up to go to the bathroom.

So I get ready for bed and I'm praying at 9:30pm, I can go to sleep.  But it doesn't happen.  I lay there.  Rolling over and over again.  Trying to get comfortable and occasionally opening my eyes to see what time it is.  I watch every hour go past.  At around 2am I have a dream of a past co-worker helping me go to sleep, and it works.  So I'm having a dream about me dreaming in my sleep.

All is good, until my sister and her husband get home from a wedding they were attending.  My stupid dog kept growling and I could feel myself being pulled out of every level of sleep.  I'm not a violent person, but there are times my dogs make me so angry.  So once my dog finally shut up... It was no use.  I couldn't go back I sleep.

I knew my hubby needed to get up at 3:30am cause he's leaving for Monterey today.  At 4:20, I asked if he was going to get up and he was startled by my being awake.  As he was getting ready to leave, I pull out my book, grab a scape from the earlier baby shower, and make a cup of tea.  My hubby keeps telling me I should go to bed, but once it's past 4:30am, and you can't sleep, what's the point?

I start reading and I stop to go to the bathroom and I'm sad.  It's because I real of urine.  Not only is it bad that usually my bladder can't wait for me to actually be on the toilet before going, but for the past few days, I've had to wear spanks because my back is hurting so bad.  With how tight the spanks are, it's even more impossible to make to the bathroom in time.

So I'm just sad.  These thoughts of.. Can you imagine getting old and having this be your daily life??  And I'm sad because there are those pregnant women who look like they have it all together when I feel like I'm falling apart.  My husband jokes he doesn't think I'm going to make it the next 5 weeks.  My stomach is clearly bigger than it was in my last pregnancy, and I took a Hip Hop class the weekend before I gave birth when I was pregnant with Alex... Now I can't even imagine walking across a Costco.

So I'm throwing myself a pity party.  And is it that every pregnant woman puts on a brave face?  Or am I just a wimp?

So I open my book One Thousand Gifts Devotional by Ann Voskamp.  The book is good and occasionally has really touching moments.  So one of the stories is about a woman who was playing charades and sprains her ankle.  How frustrated she is at her luck and how things like this always happens to her.  She goes on (of course) to talk about her friend who has 5 young children and she's dying of breast cancer.  Athough this woman has every right to be angry and upset, she is grateful for the drugs that keep her alive for one more day.

Of course we all need stories like this to try and keep things in perspective.  If I can just focus on the big picture of making my beautiful daughter... Hopefully I can get past all the pain and discomfort that I'm going to feel for the last 6 weeks of this pregnancy.  Just gotta stay focused...